Dare to dream Dare to fly Dare to be The ever chosen one To touch the sky

It's been a while since I last blogged.  I had gone a little while without a computer.  Now I have my laptop so I might be on more often.  But I can't promise anything.

 

Let's see, new things:

 

• New boyfriend
• New job
• New school

 

A lot has happened since I graduated high school.  I have a part-time job as a Sales Associate in the Electronics Department of Wal-Mart.  I just got my 90 day raise as well for meeting expectations. <3.  Sept. 24 I started dating my current boyfriend.  More on him later.  And now I'm in college at ITT Technical Institute for Web Design.  I've made friends as well.

 

We've been dating a month and a week now.  Neither of us are honestly used to having a significant other.  We have a hard time communicating with one another and only have spend time alone when we're going to bed, and we're at his house.  October was a very busy month for him between classes, work and working at a haunted house.  I hope it gets better with November at least.  We'll see.

 

I won't see him until Thursday, unless I go to his house tomorrow.  I hope I can, I miss him.

 

Anyways, I gotta go.  Toodles.

    You can’t spell painted without pain.  There’s a reason for the title.  There’s a reason why stats aren’t accurate.  There’s a reason why suicide is common.  There’s a reason for the cliché’s.  There’s a reason for it all, or at least, for most of it.  Suicide is the national killer.  Cliché’s about suicide formed for those who need to cope with losing a loved one, or for attempting and failing themselves.  Not all who commit suicide want to.  And no one understands suicide better than those who’ve survived it.
    But I can’t vouch for everyone on my suicide.  I’ve never cut.  I’ve never lowered myself to drugs and alcohol.  I’ve never physically hurt another person.  I’ve never done half the things considered suicidal.  But I attempted, a few years ago.  I had my depression medicine with me while I was in the car at my mothers work.  I couldn’t tell you what was on my mind, nor could I tell you why I had done it, but I did.  I tried drugging myself.  Before I took enough to be sent to the hospital, I ran out.  I was disappointed then, but now I’m quite relieved.
    Ever since, I’ve thought more about life and what reasons there were to continue it.  If someone saw a movie about my life, they’d wonder why I haven’t succeeded at suicide.  Physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse, as well as emotional neglect is a lot to deal with for one person.  There are definitely times I’ve wondered why I haven’t succeeded either.  After all, I have major depression, social anxiety disorder, disability to trust anyone and a tendency to think ‘heinous’ acts.  And that’s the least of it.
    I have four reasons why I haven’t committed suicide: My mother, Joshua, life and myself.  I don’t have the ability to leave my mother.  She’s the only one who’s been there for me because I needed her, not just because she’s my mother.  I don’t have the ability to leave Joshua.  He’s become my future, my love.  This would be quite long if I extended into why he’s a reason I live.  But in short, if it weren’t for him giving me a friend and new hope, I wouldn’t be able to see any part of the path I should be taking.  I don’t have the ability to leave life.  It’s difficult, depressing, cliché and one of the worst things that seems to happen.  But it’s full of surprises and I don’t want to miss them.  I don’t have the ability to kill myself because there are things I want to do.  I have dreams that need to become reality.  I have wants that need to leave.  I have needs that have to be taken care of.  I have reasons to live.
    I want to kill myself, but I don’t want to die.  It may not make sense to you, but it does to others and myself who’ve been down a similar path.  Suicide is a hot topic.  But to understand it, you’d have to find someone willing to talk about his or her experience.   The biggest cliché I could tell you, ‘Don’t take those around you for granted.’  I’m not a fan of cliché’s, but that’s one cliché that speaks the truth.  You don’t truly know who the next person around you is that’s going to try such an act.  But don’t push God onto them either.  For the most part, someone who’s suicidal is more likely to not believe in a God.

the best thing to happen
in the last week I’ve lived through,
was to hear his laughter,
echo through the receiver.

the best words I heard
in the last week I’ve lived through,
were strong, passionate, and true.
he said them loud and clear: "I love you."

the best hour to occur
in the last week I’ve lived through,
was when he called me,
and I heard his beautiful voice.

the best thing to ever happen
in the last year I’ve lived through,
was to have him come into my life,
and give me another reason to live.

I found this here.

The Myth of Lilith

      when I last had a man
I lost him in the infinite blackness of my hair

he was holding on
      grasping with his greedy hands
when he disappeared
somewhere around my vast hips
      I had sung my siren-song
and he was gone

*       *       *

in the beginning
there was my face-off with God and Adam
I refused to serve His will
I refused to tend the Garden clad only in my hair
I refused to bathe with the animals
I refused to be put on my back

      instead, I sleep with the demons
I travel through mirrors, through night
I fly with the screech owl and the bat
and carry the bodies of babies
in my ragged fingers

*       *       *

--when I slip naked between your sheets
beware that you do not lose your way--

*       *       *

witch that I am,
I seduce your husbands
I kill your newborns
I drive your daughters into the night

*       *       *

you accuse me of these witchcrafts
      (banished me from Eden
when I whispered His name
from my heat into the balmy breeze)

so I live through others
my insides are warm, fiery
to the touch
I wed through adultery
I conceive through murder
I love as you forbid your daughters to do the same
sin   is my life
sin   is my pathway to the world

*       *       *

does this mean I must be exorcised
through your pretty trinkets,
marvelous amulets
      the three angels can do nothing
though I leave of my own free will

I do relish my flight
my creation of so much darkness
to combat the glaring light
--just look into my eyes--
do you see me
do you see through me
do you see at all
but I   see   you

*       *       *

just try to banish me again
just try to keep your loved ones away from me
just try to close the door to my cave
the windows are your vanity
your shame
your longings for purity in blood-covered bodies
I came First
I had the First Man
I danced with the First Cause

*       *       *

      when I last had a man
I swallowed him whole
and he laughed with joy inside my belly